just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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