did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
