I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
