I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
