I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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