Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so explain again why im purple
no
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
