for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize