i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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