just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
