We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
