Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
