Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
