it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
