u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
