tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
