My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
