please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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