and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
