yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize