Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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