R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
