Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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