Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
