I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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