im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
