Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
