I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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