You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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