its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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