If i come over, it means nothing
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
