i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
