Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
