somebody snuck up and got me drunk
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what day is it and did you see me today?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
