Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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