The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
