If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
