Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
