okay pat passed out under dana's car
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
