His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
