When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
