while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
