Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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