I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
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