Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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