wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
