I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
