Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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