If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
