saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
