you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
