3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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