maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
