does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
