the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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