I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
