Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
