if only i could text you this smell
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
