You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
