My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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