i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
