That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i love accidental penises.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
