we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
