I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
