need another drink. this is the easiest way
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
