i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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