I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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