i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I want a musical about memes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
