In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
